THE TIRED OLE DOG

One day, an old, tiredlooking
dog wandered into my
yard. I could tell from his collar
and well-fed belly that he had
a home. He followed me into
the house, down the hall, and
fell asleep in a corner. An hour
later, he went to the door, and I
let him out. The next day he was
back, resumed his position in
the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several
weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to
his collar: “Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house
for a nap.”
The next day he arrived
with a different note pinned to
his collar: “He lives in a home
with ten children — he’s trying
to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him
tomorrow?”

LITTLE GLORIA

Little Gloria watched,
fascinated, as her mother
smoothed cold cream on her
face. “Why do you do that,
mommy?” she asked.
To make myself beautiful,”
said her mother, who then
began removing the cream with
a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked
Little Gloria. “Giving up?”
The math teacher saw that
little Gloria wasn’t paying
attention in class. She called on
her and said, “Gloria! What are
2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Gloria quickly
replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and
the Cartoon Network!”
Little Gloria’s kindergarten
class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they
saw pictures tacked to a
bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters
pointed to a picture
and asked if it really
was the photo of a
wanted person.
Yes,” said the
policeman. “The d e t e c -
tives want very badly to capture
him.”
Little Gloria asked, “Why
didn’t you keep him when you
took his picture?”
Little Gloria attended a
horse auction with her father.
She watched as her father
moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down
the horse’s legs, rump, and
chest. After a few minutes,
Gloria asked, Dad, why are you
doing that?”
Her father said to her,
“Because when I’m buying
horses, I have to make sure that
they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy.”
Gloria, looking worried,
said, “Dad, I think the UPS
guy wants to
buy Mom.”

ARITHMETIC
Remember how we learned to spell that:
A Rat In The House Might Eat The Ice Cream

Here is a math trick so
unbelievable that it will stump
you. The person who figured
this out probably has entirely
toooo much time on his/her
hands!
Grab a calculator. You
won’t be able to do this one in
your Head.
1. Key in the first three digits
of your phone number
(NOT the Area code)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of
your phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of
your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2 —Do
you recognize the answer?

HEAVEN—HELL
I don’t care if you are Republican , Democrat , Liberal ,
Independent, this one says it the way it is!

While walking down the
street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and
dies. His soul arrives in heaven
and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says
St. Peter. “Before you settle in,
it seems there is a problem. We
seldom see a high official
around these parts, you see, so
we’re never quite sure what to
do with you.”
“No problem, just let me
in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have
orders from higher up. What
we’ll do is have you spend one
day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my
mind. I want to be in heaven,”
says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we do have
our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter
escorts him to the elevator and
he goes down, down, down to
hell. The doors open and he
finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the
distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in
evening dress. They run to
greet him, shake his hand, and
reminisce about the good times
they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game
of golf and then dine on lobster,
caviar and champagne. Also
present is the devil, who really
is a very friendly fellow who
has a good time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having
such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a
hearty farewell and waves
while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up,
up and the door reopens on
heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him. “Now it’s time
to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the
senator joining a group of
contented souls moving from
cloud to cloud, playing the harp
and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it,
the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent
a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your
eternity.”
The senator reflects for a
minute, then he answers:
“Well, I would never have said
it before, I mean heaven has
been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the
elevator open and he’s in the
middle of a barren land covered
with waste and garbage. He
sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more
trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to
him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. “I don’t understand,”
stammers the senator.
“Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and
clubhouse, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great
time. Now there’s just a
wasteland full of garbage and
my friends look miserable.
What happened?”
The devil looks at him,
smiles and says, “Yesterday we
were campaigning . . . today
you voted

GIVE THIS SOME THOUGHT

One day, when I was a
freshman in high school, I saw
a kid from my class was
walking home from school. His
name was Kyle. It looked like
he was carrying all of his
books. I thought to myself,
‘Why would anyone bring
home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd.’ I had
quite a weekend planned
(parties and a football game
with my friends’ tomorrow
afternoon), so I shrugged my
shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a
bunch of kids running toward
him. They ran at him, knocking
all his books out of his arms
and tripping him so he landed
in the dirt. His glasses went
flying, and I saw them land in
the grass about ten feet from
him. He looked up and I saw
this terrible sadness in his eyes
My heart went out to him. So,
I jogged over to him as he
crawled around looking for his
glasses, and I saw a tear in his
eye. As I handed him his
glasses, I said, ‘Those guys are
jerks. They really should get
lives. He looked at me and said,
‘Hey thanks!’
There was a big smile on
his face. It was one of those
smiles that showed real
gratitude.
I helped him pick up his
books, and asked him where he
lived. As it turned out, he lived
near me, so I asked him why I
had never seen him before. He
said he had gone to private
school before now. I would
have never hung out with a
private school kid before. We
talked all the way home, and I
carried some of his books. He
turned out to be a pretty cool
kid. I asked him if he wanted
to play a little football with my
friends He said yes.
We hung out all weekend
and the more I got to know
Kyle, the more I liked him, and
my friends thought the same of
him. Monday morning came,
and there was Kyle with the
huge stack of books again. I
stopped him and said, ‘Boy,
you are gonna really build
some serious muscles with this
pile of books everyday! He just
laughed and handed me half the
books.
Over the next four years,
Kyle and I became best
friends.. When we were seniors
we began to think about
college. Kyle decided on
Georgetown and I was going to
Duke. I knew that we would
always be friends, that the
miles would never be a
problem. He was going to be a
doctor and I was going for
business on a football
scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of
our class. I teased him all the
time about being a nerd. He had
to prepare a speech for
graduation. I was so glad it
wasn’t me having to get up
there and speak graduation day,
I saw Kyle. He looked great. He
was one of those guys that
really found himself during
high school. He filled out and
actually looked good in
glasses. He had more dates than
I had and all the girls loved
him. Boy, sometimes I was
jealous!
Today was one of those
days. I could see that he was
nervous about his speech. So, I
smacked him on the back and
said, ‘Hey, big guy, you’ll be
great!’ He looked at me with
one of those looks (the really
grateful one) and smiled. ‘
Thanks,’ he said.
As he started his speech, he
cleared his throat, and began
‘Graduation is a time to thank
those who helped you make it
through those tough years. Your
parents, your teachers, your
siblings, maybe a coach...but
mostly your friends... I am
here to tell all of you that
being a friend to someone is
the best gift you can give
them.
I am going to tell you a
story . . . I just looked at my
friend with disbelief as he told
the story of the first day we
met.
He had planned to kill
himself over the weekend. He
talked of how he had cleaned
out his locker so his Mom
wouldn’t have to do it later
and was carrying his stuff
home.
He looked hard at me and
gave me a little smile.
“Thankfully, I was saved. My
friend saved me from doing
the unspeakable.”
I heard the gasp go
through the crowd as this
handsome, popular boy told
us all about his weakest
moment. I saw his Mom and
dad looking at me and smiling
that same grateful smile. Not
until that moment did I realize
it’s depth.
Never underestimate the
power of your actions.
With one small gesture
you can change a person’s
life.

PONDERMENT FODDER

When I’m feeling down, I
like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor’s dog run to the end
of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government
oversight.
The real art of conversation
is not only to say the
right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
The older you get, the
tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and
your fat have gotten to be
really good friends.
The easiest way to find
something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is
probably right.
Did you ever notice: The
Roman Numerals for forty
(40) are “ XL.”
If you can smile when
things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
There’s always a lot to be
thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example I
am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don’t
hurt .
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words
“The” and “IRS” together it
spells “Theirs?”
Aging: Eventually you
will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
The older we get, the
fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn
back their odometers.Not me,
I want people to know “why”
I look this way. I’ve traveled a
long way and some of the
roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to
youth, think about Algebra.
You know you are getting
old when everything either
dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no
one tells you about aging is
that it is such a nice change
from being young.
Ah, being young is
beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up
your zipper. It’s worse when
you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men
cursed and beat the
groundwith sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it’s
called golf.
A good little prayer to
remember:
Lord, Keep your arm
around my shoulder and your
hand over my mouth...AMEN!

THE
SPEEDING
TICKET

Two California Highway
Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-
15, North of MCAS Miramar.
One of the officers was using a
hand held radar device to check
speeding vehicles approaching
near the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly
surprised when the radar gun
began reading 300 miles per
hour. The officer attempted to
reset the radar gun, but it would
not reset and then it went dead.
A second later a deafening
roar over the treetops revealed
that the radar had in fact locked
on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet
which was engaged in a low
flying exercise.
Later that day, Back at the
CHP Headquarters the Patrol
Captain fired off an angrily and
hot-worded complaint letter to
the USMC Base Commander.
Several days later, back
came a reply in true USMC
style:
Sir; Thank you for your
message, this allows us to
complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested
to know that the tactical
computer in the Hornet had
detected the presence of, and
subsequently
locked onto
your hostile
radar equipment
and
automatically
sent a jamming signal back to
it. Furthermore, an air to ground
missile aboard the fully armed
aircraft had also automatically
locked onto your equipment.
Fortunately the professional
Marine Pilot flying the Hornet
recognized the situation for what
it was, quickly responded to the
missile system alert status and
was able to override the
automated defense system
before the missile was launched
and your hostile radar site was
destroyed.
Thank you for your
concerns,

WOMENFOLK

Three women die together
in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St.
Peter says, “We only have one
rule here in heaven: don’t step
on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and
sure enough, there are ducks all
over the place.? It is almost
impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the
first woman accidentally steps
on one.
Along comes St. Peter with
the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them
together and says, “Your
punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second
woman accidentally steps on a
duck and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn’t miss a thing. With
him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.
The third woman has
observed all this and, not wanting
to be chained for all eternity
to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome
man she has ever laid eyes on—
very tall, long eyelashes,
muscular, and thin!
St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I
wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of
eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t
know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!”
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband
returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a
nap. Although not familiar with
the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors
out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a Game
Warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am. What
are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she
replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted
Fishing Area,” he informs her
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m
not fishing. I’m reading”
“Yes, but you have all the
equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I’ll
have to take you in and write
you up.”
“For reading a book,” she
replies,
“You’re in a Restricted
Fishing Area,” he informs her
again,
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m
not fishing. I’m reading”
“Yes, but you have all the
equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I’ll
have to take you in and write
you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to
charge you with Sexual
assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even
touched you,” says the game
warden.
“That’s true, but you have
all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any
moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,”
and he left.
MORAL: Never argue
with a woman who reads.
There’s an altogether
likelihood that she can also
think!
Estate Planning
Dan was a single guy
living at home with his father
and working in the family
business.
When he found out he was
going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a wife
with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an
investment meeting he spotted
the most beautiful woman he
had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his
breath away. “I may look
like just an ordinary man,” he
said to her, “but in just a few
years, my father will die, and
I’ll inherit 20 million
dollars.”
Impressed, the woman
obtained his business card and
three days later, she became his
stepmother.
Women are so much better
at estate planning than men.

NEAT IDEAS—DIDJA KNOW . . .?

1. Reheat Pizza: Heat up
leftover pizza in a non-stick
skillet on top of the stove. Set
heat to med-low and heat till
warm. This keeps the crust
crispy.
No soggy micro pizza. I
saw this on the cooking
channel and it really works.
2. Easy Deviled Eggs: Put
cooked egg yolks in a zip lock
bag. Seal; mash till they are
all broken up. Add remainder
of ingredients, reseal, keep
mashing it up, mixing
thoroughly. Cut the tip of the
baggy, squeeze mixture into
egg. Just throw bag away when
done - easy clean up.
3. Expanding Frosting:
When you buy a container of
cake frosting from the store,
whip it with your mixer for a
few minutes. You can double it
in size. You get to frost more
cake/cupcakes with the same
amount. You also eat less sugar
and calories per serving.
4. Reheating refrigerated
bread: To warm biscuits,
pancakes, or muffins that were
refrigerated, place them in a
microwave with a cup of water.
The increased moisture will
keep the food moist and help it
reheat faster.
5. Newspaper weeds away:
Start putting in your plants, and
work the nutrients in your soil.
Wet newspapers; put layers
around the plants overlapping
as you go; cover with mulch
and forget about weeds. Weeds
will get through some
gardening plastic - they will
not get through wet
newspapers.
6. Broken Glass: Use a
wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick
up the small shards of glass
you can’t see easily.
7. No More Mosquitoes:
Place a dryer sheet in your
pocket. It will keep the
mosquitoes away.
8. Squirrel Away!: To keep
squirrels from eating your
plants, sprinkle your plants
with cayenne pepper. The
cayenne pepper doesn’t hurt
the plant and the squirrels
won’t come near it.
9. Flexible vacuum: To get
something out of a heat register
or under the fridge add an
empty paper towel roll or
empty gift wrap roll to your
vacuum. It can be bent or
flattened to get in narrow
openings.
10. Reducing Static Cling:
Pin a small safety pin to the
seam of your slip and you will
not have a clingy skirt or dress.
Same thing works with slacks
that cling when wearing panty
hose. Place pin in seam of
slacks and — ta da! — static
is gone.
11. Measuring Cups:
Before you pour sticky
substances into a measuring
cup, fill with hot water. Dump
out the hot water, but don’t dry
cup. Next, add your ingredient,
such as peanut butter, and
watch how easily it comes right
out.
12. Foggy Windshield?:
Hate foggy windshields? Buy
a chalkboard eraser and keep it
in the glove box of your car.
When the windows fog, rub
with the eraser! Works better
than a cloth!
13. Reopening envelope: If
you seal an envelope and then
realize you forgot to include
something inside, just place
your sealed envelope in the
freezer for an hour or two.
Viola! It unseals easily .
14. Conditioner: Use your
hair conditioner to shave your
legs. It’s a lot cheaper than
shaving cream and leaves your
legs really smooth. It’s also a
great way to use up the
conditioner you bought but
didn’t like when you tried it in
your hair.
15: Goodbye Fruit Flies:
To get rid of pesky fruit flies ,
take a small glass and fill it 1/
2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and
2 drops of dish washing liquid
, mix well. You will find those
flies drawn to the cup and gone
forever!
16. Get Rid of Ants: Put
small piles of cornmeal where
you see ants. They eat it, take
it ‘home’, can’t digest it so it
kills them. It may take a week
or so, especially if it rains , but
it works & you don’t have the
worry about pets or small
children being harmed!

HERE’S MORE FUN AUTO TRIVIA
—DO YOU REMEMBER?

Fill in your answers at the BOTTOM of the page by using the LETTER only.
1)Which car came first?
A) Chrysler 300 B) Chevy Impala C) Pontiac Bonneville

2) “Firedome” and “Fireflight” were models by:
A) Olds B) Desoto C) Hudson

3) In 1957 this car offered a retractable reverse-slanted rear window:
A) Buick Roadmaster B) Chrysler Imperial C) Mercury Turnpike Cruiser

4) In the movie “Bullitt” the car chase scene featured a Mustang and a?
A) Plymouth Fury B) Dodge Charger C) Corvette

5) If you see a “Laguna” it’s a:
A) Chevy B) Falcon C) Pontiac

6)Which car was first with hydraulic brakes?
A)Ford B)Chevy

7) Chrysler is credited with the first Minivan but actually one of the first minivans came out in
1961. the “Greenbriar.” It was a model by:
A) Studebaker B) Kaiser C) Corvair

8) Chevy rocked the the auto industry when it introduced its new 360H.P. Dual Quads 409
engine in:
A) 1960 B) 1961 C) 1962

9) The entire line of Fords had a hood scoop in:
A) 1957 B) 1958 C) 1959

10) In 1954 you could get a V8 in a Dodge but not in a Plymouth.
A) True B) False

11) If you see a “Patrician” or “Mayfair’ it’s a:
A) Desoto B) Willys C) Packard

12) The high performance “GTX” was made by:
A) Pontiac B) Plymout C) Buick

13) Remember the “IROC” models? They were:
A) Cainaros B) Novas C) Corvettes

1) A 2) B 3) C 4) B 5) A 6)B 7) C 8)B 9) B 10) A 11) C 12) B13) A